Bluh, starting yesterday I've been in a craptastic mood. Not sure why. I should be happy and excited right now. We are leaving for Vegas in a week for 4 days! Its going to be so much fun. My mom will be here this Saturday to watch the kids for us and I am happy to see her again. Then of course while in Vegas we may get to see the baby & find out boy or girl. Why am I not more excited?? Of course on the 31st is my real u/s at the OB office at which time Ill again get to see baby and get a double confirmation boy or girl. One more then, some time while my mom is here, Janessa is hoping the whole family can get together for dinner for her b-day. I should be excited about this since its been a while since we have had a family meal.
On the inside I am thrilled and excited but just cannot show it on the outside. Why not? Why am I so emotionless? I want to blame it on Logan. I want more affection in our marriage/relationship but I do not mean sex. Of course, I expect him to put the effort into making things more affectionate but truthfully, I should be doing it as well. However, I know the slightly thing I do will get him all excited and horny and I am not looking for sex... I miss the days of cuddles, kissing like we mean it and not just because we have too. I know this isnt his fault entirely, Ill take at least 65% of the blame here.. I think it was my mom who said that Im like a rattlesnake and you never know what I might strike (or something like that). Its true, one minute I can be happy and the next I could snap. I've always been this way. Wonder if I have some disorder? No, not like Bi-polar-ism because that is for sure not it. Maybe a hormone imbalance, I have to much bitch hormone and not enough sugar hormone.
Another thing that has me over thinking is getting this U/S done in Vegas. Of course I want to do it and it will be super special because it will just be Logan and my self, but since I havent seeing the ob tech u/s yet, Im scared. What if they freak out in Vegas and tell me they cannot continue my u/s that I need to see my ob first? Like something is wrong.. I know, I know, I've had two healthy pregnancies with no complications, yada yada yada, but its still possible to have a 3rd or 4th or 5th pregnancy with complications. That would be like telling a woman whose first pregnancy was riddled with complications that she would never have an uncomplicated pregnancy. It is possible.. I am also faced with the dreaded gender disappointment! Ahhhhh! I know, I've covered this topic already but since its getting so close to finding out, I think about it a lot more... Ill be happy with either but the first initial "Its a....." is going to be hard if its not what I want..
I was cruising through the blogs I follow. This made me sad as well. Everyone is having bbq, parties and vacations with their friends... Friends... When I was younger, I never imagined being an adult and not having friends. I mean, REAL friends.. I have several other mom's on line who I know we would be great real friends, if we all lived in the same area. I hate meeting people on line and hitting it off and never having the chance to actually meet them. I want real friends that I can go hang out with, have common interests, have dinner parties with and just hit it off. (Dont get me wrong, I have a couple of good friends, my SIL being one of them, but sometimes you need other people that are not family) Im just socially retarded :( I need a social/life coach...
Alright, I am done with this major pitty party. I guess I feel some what better but still moody. Its almost time to start dinner. Im actually going to prepare a nice one tonight, you know after having not made dinner in the passed two days. I just wish I could better myself to my self, my family & my husband...
P.S. Just a random picture of Ellie in our back yard :)
:hugs:
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